Comedic Relief
by yinboo
Summary: Beast Boy snaps, Raven is a closet case, Robin is an egotistical prick with weird fetishes and a rich fantasy life, Cyborg is a sic African-American and Starfire is well, Starfire. What can I say, I'm making a lot of this up as I go along.
1. Chapter One, Part 1

There was something wrong with Beast Boy.

The other Titans could tell, certainly, but due to a combination of both not caring enough and not knowing how to bring it up to him, they ignored the poor, pathetic green-skinned comic relief and went about their ordinary routines. Well, whatever it is that they did around the tower when there weren't any criminals to apprehend. Whatever, man.

In fact, that one stupid, trite phrase sums up our entire problem with Beast Boy quite nicely. You see, ordinarily, Beast Boy was a nuisance. The other titans despised him and his antics. They would cringe at his jokes, and then purposely turn around and crack a much funnier joke just to make him look like an asshole. 'Tis the life of the unloved comic relief, really - and he himself knew this.

Nonetheless, he would, on a typical day off such as this one, usually be occupying himself with sticking his nose into the affairs of all the other Titans. Always hungry for attention. Craving that one sign of affection from anyone, or even the slightest guffaw that would make his pointless existence even slightly more bearable.

Today, he just sat in the same spot on the couch all morning.

He uncharacteristically woke up before everyone else, ate nothing for breakfast and most alarming of all, did not so much as even look at the shiny, brand new Xbox 720 situated on the shelf next to the TV.

In fact, he didn't even bother to turn the TV on, which was something any normal human being without any friends caught on an uncomfortable black leather couch would do. Of course, nothing about Beast Boy was 'normal' even on his best of days but that is beside the point. Today though, he had this whole aura of, "whatever man" surrounding him, that seemed to repel his teammates whenever they came within a certain distance of him. That is, except for the ever-

oblivious Cyborg.

"Hey man, who gave you permission to be on the couch?" He yells at Beast Boy.

It would appear Cyborg's usual schedule of 75% playing video games and 25% doing black people stuff has collided with Beast Boy's bad mood, and sparks are already beginning to fly.

Beast Boy has that one spare second to think of something: a joke, a situation-applicable animal transformation or any simple comeback to hurl at the half-robot, half-asshole but nothing comes to mind. His mind is like white noise; so many different thoughts and signals are jumbling together that nothing intelligible makes it through.

"Uh…earth to green man? What's fucking wrong with you?" Cyborg snarls, not one to buy into that 'emo crap'. Oh how he hated Beast Boy's stupid single-toothed grin, oh how he secretly longed to wipe it off of his face permanently! And to bash his head in, and bask the walls with his…

"This is a crapsack world." Beast Boy suddenly replies, interrupting Cyborg's violent train of thought. He has turned his head sharply, so that henow faces Cyborg.

He has a far-off look in his eyes, something like what you would see in the eyes of somebody who is pumped up on hallucinogenic drugs. That, or a starstruck homosexual. Which of course, is the closest parallel Cyborg can happen to think up. Thinking on it more, Cyborg remembers that he didn't particularly enjoy the company of stoners, or starstruck homosexuals, for that matter."Nigga, are you goin' funny on me or somethin'?" He asks, then decides to turn his attention to more important matters.

"Now where's that remote?" He says, looking into the cracks of the couch.

"This is…a crapsack world." Beast Boy repeats.

Cyborg's attention reverts to the little green man again, but he could not think of anything to say beyond what he's said already. Usually he insulted him for the sake of the reaction, but today...beast boy just wasn't taking the bait.

Anyways, the two sit quietly next to each other like that for a while, until Cyborg evidently feels it too awkward to stay there any longer.

"Man, you've snapped alright." He says, in the most eloquent way possible, and creeps away from the scene, leaving Beast Boy to resume his practice of staring forward, into the bleak abyss that was the television screen, turned off.

…

"There's something wrong with that green motha fucker again." Cyborg is at the titans' fridge, and has just popped open a can of Bud Light.

He is directing his ingenious assessment of Beast Boy's behavior at team sex symbol Starfire, who is currently serving up a bowl of Fruit Loops for herself. She had stood there and watched the entire scene unfold, actually.

"At first I thought he was just having a bad day, but now I…" She trails off, aware that her and Cyborg's minds were on the same level for this one. Further words on the matter were not necessary. Yes, this wasn't the first time Beast Boy has been observed acting oddly. It was no later than a month ago, and a Saturday as well, Starfire recalls, when Beast Boy first started showing strange patterns in behaviour.

...

The Teen Titans were spending time chilling together at the local teen hot spot, the pizza corner, but ironically, nobody was eating any pizza this time. For you see, what had initially promised to be a relaxing vacation away from the stress of hero work, filled with Italian-borne cheese-decorated tomato pasted pies and much laughter at the humiliation of Beast Boy, the situation had turned out to be every action pseudo-drama genre animated TV show actor's personal nightmare: the comic relief had actually shut up.

So the Titans, independent of Beast Boy, conversed on, well, the types of things super-powered teenagers typically talked about: the supervillain they brought down last week, sex, food, cars, sex, the fact that Robin was the only member of the team who didn't look like a complete freak out in public and well, basically, whatever randomly came to mind. Needless to say, they quickly ran out of discussion topics this way, and before long, the table had gone completely quiet.

The waiter returned, but they declined having their orders taken. For the third time.

Now, just in case you weren't aware, the Titans ran on a unique schedule for when they were together; 'hanging out', such as they were today.

The way the pattern would unfold is,

1) the titans find their seat and commence with idle chitchat, 2) within five minutes, Beast Boy will make an attempt at humour e.g. he doesn't eat the Meat Lover's pizza because...yeah, he turns into animals, so it would be kind of like cannibalism, then 3) they all laugh in his face or ignore him, and commence to eat the food that would of arrived by then. The Titans' social schedule allowed for very few iterations or exceptions, and they were determined to follow it through to the word.

But today, for once, somebody had dared to differentiate from the norm.


	2. Chapter One, Part 2

"Beast Boy, we can't place an order until you're ready, you know." Robin says, smiling at him from across the table.

"But I'm not hungry." He says weakly. "I had a big breakfast this morning."

The rest of the Titans exchange confused glances.

Here they all were at the Pizza Corner as a group, but Beast Boy had no intention of eating?

They look to Robin - their leader; their Messiah, hoping that he had what it took to put this blasphemer in line.

"But you have to be hungry." Robin says, as if he was explaining it to a preschooler. "We're at the Pizza Corner, so it's time for you to eat."

The other Titans glare at Beast Boy in support of Robin. Sweat beads beginning to form on his forehead, the sweat gliding down the sides of his feet and collecting around his pencil-thin neck. Unable to cope with the peer pressure he was facing, he reluctantly complies, and starts shuffling through the menu. They watch, in an atmosphere of eerie tension so thick that a T-Rex could take a bite out of it, as he places the menu down and calls for the waiter.

"I'll have one meat lover's supreme, please." He says.

Robin jumps out of his seat. "Don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about!"

He shouts, before the waiter can even turn around, slamming his hands unto the table.

Beast Boy flinches, and looks at him apologetically. "What? I want to try something different today."

Silence.

Robin takes a deep breath. Starfire reaches out to touch him on the arm, trying to calm him down, and he sits again. He props his elbows up on the table and sighs deeply. Through all this, the other Titans and the waiter unfortunate enough to be on shift that day watch in dead silence.

"He'll be having a large vegetarian, hold the mushrooms." Robin says eventually. "Now, what will it be for the rest of you?"

Beast Boy sinks into his chair, but chooses not to protest. It was a hopeless cause, after all - Robin was the leader.

And Robin always knew what was best.

Flashback over, an overwhelming sense of dread befalls the small-kitchen of the Titans headquarters, one which even the stupid, grinning mascot on the box of Fruit Loops could not hope to alleviate.

"What do you propose we do about this?" Starfire asks Cyborg, as he guzzles down the cold, frothy alcholic beverage in one go. He throws the can away then answers. "We should let Raven handle this, she's all up into that psychic shit. She'll know what to do."

Before the scantily-clad Tamaranean can even so much as comment on Cyborg's failure to distinguish 'psychology' shit from 'psychic' shit, he stomps off. She notes that he was headed in the direction of his room, which was nowhere near Raven's. In fact, it was at the end of a hall opposite to where Raven's room was located.

Starfire sighs, and looks to the tuft of spiky green hair peeking out from over the back of the couch, an obvious designation of worry and concern made manifest in her eyes and in the frown she wore.

Oh Beast Boy, maybe I can restore you to your regular spirits just yet… She thinks, drifting from the kitchen into the living room. She was drifting into the belly of the Beast Boy, as it were.

"Beast Boy, my good friend! Shall we together play the exciting game of ball and catch?" She says excitedly, putting on a smile that suits, floating behind him. He doesn't turn to look at her. He doesn't even flinch. Starfire's cheerful disposition immediately fades. Sobered, she takes a seat on the couch, at the far end from where he was sitting.

"Beast Boy, I know our friendship is at best,

strained." Starfire begins to say, expecting a reaction from him, but it doesn't come. Gradually, she slips closer and closer to him on the couch now, continuing, "But I wish for you to know that should anything be wearing on your mind…" She reaches out and touches him on the arm. He looks up at her, and into her bright green eyes.

"You might confide in me, friend."

There is a moment of silence.

Starfire retains her warm expression in the face of Beast Boy's cold indifference when finally, he says something slowly, heavily emphasizing each word as it came out of his mouth: "But that would make two guys on the team 'confiding' in you at the same

time."

Starfire gasps, she may have been from an alien planet but she had lived on Earth long

enough to be able to pick up sexual innuendos.

She draws away from Beast Boy, struck

speechless.

Beast Boy cracks a devilish smile and even winks for good measure. By that point, Starfire is thoroughly disturbed and so she flies off, off to see the only person she thought who could handle Beast Boy in his present state: Raven.

In her absence, he laughs. He took pride in her tears, took pride in the fact that he had caused them, and so began the sordid Titan's final descent into madness...

His name is Beast Boy and by the end of this tale, only one of the Teen Titans will be left alive.


	3. Chapter Two, Part 1

Starfire knocks on Raven's room door, but she does not have to wait long for a response.

"What is it?" Raven says from behind the door, her voice sounding more like a husky growl than anything.

"There is something very wrong with our friend Beast Boy, and he may use your help."

For a while, there is silence. Thinking that Raven had ignored her, Starfire turns around and is about to walk off when suddenly, the door slides open and the brooding broad herself is standing there.

"Come inside. We need to talk." She says simply.

Raven was no ordinary teenage girl. For one, she actually enjoyed reading every now and then. In fact, an entire wall of her room was dedicated to three large, side-by-side bookcases, absolutely filled with books. What kind of books would a girl like Raven have, do you think? 'Speeeellbooks'? Stephen King novels? Edgar Allen Poe collections? *snort* Well, the room, in true affinity to its owner, was too dark to make out any titles on the spines, and the darkness made the unmodest alien girl feel on edge, in anticipation of what would come next. For, Raven was the kind of person you never quite felt safe around.

The door shuts, and the room is bathed in complete darkness. But there was something odd about this darkness - even by Raven's standards - and whatever it was made Starfire feel exceptionally uneasy.

"Beast Boy has been possessed by a malevolent entity." Starfire hears Raven say from out of the darkness.

"What kind of malevolent entity?" She asks, trying not to sound scared but of course, she was.

"I've been trying to figure out all morning. It could be Belial, or Azazel, maybe Satan himself." She answers, with the annoying frankness possessed by any self-absorbed teenage girl given the opportunity to talk about demons she most likely 'researched' on the internet. You know, on those really crappy looking websites with an ugly background and ill-matching font color, so aesthetically terrible looking that it makes you wonder who in their right mind decided it was worth their time, and that they couldn't do any better? But I digress, to Starfire the names meant nothing.

She floated toward where she thought the door was nervously, wanting to make sure she had a viable escape route to take the minute the conversation was over. "Then, what are we supposed to do to help him?" She asks.

"What YOU need to do is stay in this room. I have a plan, but it will require both of us." Raven says ambiguously, maintaining the same dreary tone she typically spoke in.

Starfire can feel the creepy goth girl creeping up behind her, the hairs on the back of her neck standing up. She feels along the wall for the door desperately. "But it's so dark in here, why can't you just turn-"

Before she can even finish, a blow to the head finally shuts the little whiner up and she falls to the ground; unconscious.

Raven flicks her fingers, and the four candelabra in the room are immediately lit a la 'magic'. Atop four separate dressers, they are arranged around the flat wooden base of her bed, which had a complex rune etched manually into its surface by a knife, featuring, most prominently, a hexagram. And yes, I did say hexagram, so it had six sides instead of the five you were probably thinking. Don't assume it makes her a Jew, either, because the pentagram is also referenced to in the Hindi religion.

So yeah, let's see what Cyborg is doing.

...

Cyborg is walking down the hallway to his room, whistling a tune. Whistling to the tune of 'Bad Romance' by Lady Gaga, as it were. He really didn't like the song, or really any of her music, but he had to admit it was catchy.

He stops at his door, plugs in the keycard and enters his humble abode.

Now, I will try to describe the appearance of Cyclop's room without resorting to too much racial criticism.

The first thing you see upon entering is an assortment of exercise equipment - dumbells, benches, treadmills - and a punching bag. To the far end of the room is his closet, where all manner of hoodies and low-rider jeans are on hangers. Which is kind of ironic, considering Cyclops was a hunk of machine that had no use for clothing anymore. Beside the closet is a mountain of discarded KFC buckets, lying in a pool of old grease, along with a misplaced textbook on 'Advanced Electrical Engineering'. Yuck.

Cyclops walks over to his poster collection, which was hanging up on the wall above a ragged-looking mattress he hadn't laid on for years. He looks into the eyes of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls - his childhood heroes, then at a Mariah Carey dressed in white silk lingerie next to them.

"Daaamn girl, you sure is fine." He says out loud.

Thankfully, before this situation could get any more out of hand, there comes a knocking at his door.

"Now who would that be?" He calls aloud, shifting his gaze from Mariah to the door.

There is no answer.

Angry about his morning routine being disturbed, he stomps toward the door, blissfully unaware of the bizarre ritual being carried out just down the hall, in Raven's room.


	4. Chapter Two, Part 2

Raven piles Starfire's limp body onto the makeshift summoning circle. She had carved the rune into the bed base herself that same morning.

As Raven stretches Starfire's body out in an 'I'm about to make a snow angel' position, shen stops midway while moving the second leg in place. Motivated by a new emotion welling up within her, she feels along the leg, up to the inner thigh; firm and muscular and tanned a delicious dark orange color. She lays her head against the thigh and closes her eyes, feeling the warmth of blood flowing just beneath the surface of her skin.

And you thought Beast Boy would be the only one with problems in this story?

Raven pulls away and shakes her head, she would have to keep a grip on her urges, if she was to perform the spell before the girl regained consciousness.

Once content with how she had Starfire arranged, she goes over to the bookcase and expertly pulls out a single book which had been peeking off of the shelf slightly. The cover of the tome read, "The Idiot's Guide to Magick". She opens it up to the page where she had left her bookmark, which featured the face of Violent J of Insane Clown Posse, her favorite music group.

Starfire stirs and mumbles something, catching the hooded closet case off guard. Knowing she had to hurry, she shuffles through her closet, and removes the three containers which held the ingredients she had gathered together in the kitchen.

"Unleash one sprinkle of garlic salt upon the subject." Raven reads aloud from the book and obeys.

"Add a tablespoon of pepper, for taste." Starfire sneezes as the pepper rains down on her.

"And..." Raven lugs one of those jugs you put on water coolers, filled to the brim with a dark red liquid, into her arms. "Apply five gallons of goat's blood."

She dumps it all over Starfire, who awakens instantly; screaming and coughing. Her clothes are soaked thoroughly with the blood, which also coagulated into clumps that knotted her hair. Some of the blood had also splashed onto nearby candelabra, actually putting out the candles on one of them completely.

"What are you doing?" She shouts at Raven, spitting out some of the blood that had gotten into her mouth.

She tries to stand up but realizes that she is bound down by ropes held in place by Raven's magic.

It was like something straight out of a bad porno.

Raven, all the while, is staring at the last set of instructions in the book. Her next move would no doubt push the porn envelope the rest of the way. It read, "Kiss the subject upon the lips, like a middle aged hooker."

There was no time to think - she knew the magic holding Starfire down was wearing off. So, like a starved wild beast suddenly introduced to a rib eye steak, Raven embraces her deepest desires, pulling oFf her cloak and then lunging on top of Starfire.

They kiss, and Raven can taste the sweet mixture of Starfire's saliva and goat blood, and it electrified her tastebuds like a mouthful of Pop Rocks. Yeah, Pop Rocks. Let's see you come up with something better.

From where they kiss, a ghastly, green aura begins to enshroud Starfire. It starts first at her lips, then gradually expands across her body. Raven backs away in surprise until she falls off of the bed board. Now on the floor, she scoots away from the bed board until her back is against the wall. From there she watches in awe, as the ropes holding Starfire down dissolve away and she levitates off of the table. Beneath her, the rune is glowing in the same color as the mist - the spell was being cast.

...

Cyborg opens his eyes. He is in a dark room somewhere, but it was fairly certain it was not his own, judging by the scent of animal urine and feces, and a certain rusty smell in the air he didn't recognize. In the words of Cyclops, the room smelled like a 'motha fuckin' pet shop'.

He hears a clicking sound, and then an overhead light turns on and shines directly into his face and eyes, blinding him for a moment.

"If you're looking for Mariah in here, you're not going to find her." Beast Boy says, as he emerges from the shadows. "You're in my room."

He looked different; scarier than before, even to the six foot-something 'African-American' android. He had wrinkles on his face where there hadn't been any before, dark blue bags under his eyes, blood red eyes; the works.

"I knew there was something funny about you, now wait 'til I get me hands-"

Cyborg freezes, a sudden realization coming over him.

His entire body was missing.

It was just his head there, lying on a cold stainless steel examination table.

"What the hell is going on here, dawg?" Cyborg yells, looking around frantically for any sign of his missing parts.

Beast boy laughs. It starts out as a quiet, almost hushed laugh, and gradually builds into something more maniacal, like how a cliche super villain would laugh.

As suddenly as he broke out in laughter, Beast Boys's expression darkens. "I don't know, Cy, but you look a little split up to me."

"You're fucking insane, man. You've fucking snapped, dawg."

Out of the corner of his eye, Cyborg can see the glimmer of a metallic object Beast Boy was removing out of his pocket.

"Is that...a pizza cutter?" Cyborg asks, wide-eyed with fright.

Beast Boy nods, his eyes narrowing and his lips crinkling into a sinister grin.

"What you gonna do with that?"

Beast Boy draws closer, bringing the blade of the pizza cutter dangerously near to his face.

"Wait...no...NO...AUGHHHH NIGGA NO STOOOP...!"

Cyclops's screams echo throughout the entire tower, but only one of his teammates can hear them.

"Cyclops!" Robin calls, alarmed, sitting up in his bed.


	5. Chapter Three, Part 1

The Titan leader had been spending his morning 'beating the monkey around the bush' when he heard the burly, blood-curdling scream of a black - I mean, African-American male coming from down the hall. He, like the other Titans, had bared witness to Beast Boy's strange behavior that morning, and his thoughts immediately went back to that day at the Pizza Corner.

...

After the Titans had finished eating, Robin had showed the others away, so that it was only himself and Beast Boy left at the table. He could remember that Beast Boy had been gnawing on one of Raven's leftover pizza sticks - he had ordered his own food but Robin did not give him permission to eat as punishment for his disobedience, so the other Titans had him sit and watch them eat it. Sound kind of harsh? Well, the Titans do not react kindly to treason among their ranks.

"Beast Boy, put the damn pizza crust down and have a little dignity." Robin says waving his hand at him. "I didn't keep you behind just to talk to you about the weather. You know what you did."

The green-skinned mutation reluctantly obeys, setting the crust down onto his plate, looking downward apologetically. "Sorry, Robin."

"Sorry for what?"

"For not sticking to the routine." Beast Boy says, looking away. "It's not right for me to put myself above the group like that."

Robin nods slightly, but says nothing - perhaps there would be no need for a scolding after all.

"But there's something i've been meaning to bring up with you."

"What?" Robin asks, already not liking where this was going.

Beast Boy looks at Robin, a fierce, determined look in his eyes that was all too unfamiliar to the Titan leader. "I feel like I deserve a little more respect around here."

Robin glances around the Pizza Corner dining area. It was empty, making this seem like, in his mind, a stand-off from one of those old Western movies. It was him versus Beast Boy, and although he had already made the mistake of letting him take the first shot, he would not allow himself to lose.

"I don't think you understand your role in this group, Beast Boy. Let me explain." Robin says, and picks up the pizza crust. "You see the crust on a pizza - that's me. I hold everything together. I'm in charge. Without me there'd be no pizza. What I say goes."

"Yes, Robin."

Robin pauses, to think for a bit. "And Raven is like the sauce, she's hot but to the extent that it burns the roof of your mouth and makes you regret the whole experience."

Beast Boy makes up a perplexed look on his face, but nods anyway.

"Cyborg is the cheese. Kind of boring but, without the cheese, it wouldn't be a pizza. So, he's kind of important. Then Starfire, she's the little green pepper things that are just spicy and tasty enough to make the pizza worthwhile."

"Well what about me, Robin? What am I?" Beast Boy asks, innocently.

Robin smirks. "You? Well, you're the anchovies. Nobody fucking likes anchovies."

"Oh..." Beast Boy says, shrinking into his chair.

"But you sure do look funny on a pizza." Robin nods to himself, laughing - rather, snorting with laughter - as he throws his hand into the air, calling for a server to take the dishes. "Like, what are a bunch of stupid little fish doing on a pizza anyways? Weird."

...

He thought the situation had been sorted out then, but could it be Beast Boy still hadn't learned his lesson?

Robin sits up in his bed, rubbing his aching forehead. He was still feeling groggy and despite the urgency which a scream typically warranted, he rose out of bed - in only a pair of boxers, yawning and stretching as he shuffles over to his closet door, then opens it.

He is met by his reflection, through a mirror at the back of the closet behind various hanging sets of his costume, and mirrors on the inside of the opened closet doors. He brushes back his hair with his hand, stopping to examine himself in the three mirrors.

"Well hey there, cool guy." He says to himself, as he appraises his arm muscles.

Robin, as the leader, had decided he deserved the biggest room in the place, but unfortunately, his interior decorating choices did not reflect the same train of thought. His bed is lousy and unkept, his closet a simple open-and-shut, a punching bag hanging from the ceiling; nothing fancy. To his far left is a wall plastered with posters celebrating various classic action and fighting movies like: 'Enter the Dragon', 'The Bourne Legacy', 'The Matrix' and 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' to name a few.

Oh, wait, that last one was a choice of Starfire's.

She would spend half of her time in his room, so inevitably, there at once came a point when, like any woman would - regardless of what galaxy she hails from - she urged him to incorporate some of her things into his otherwise humble dormicile. She thought the ponies were cute enough, for example, so he had wedged a poster featuring the smiley faces of the disgustingly delightful powder puffs with hooves between 'Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Arc' and 'Need 4 Speed'. But as if the poster were bad enough, though, some decidedly attrocious alien furnishings are also spread about the room, such as a curious tentacle which curled along a far corner of the room from floor to ceiling, that felt like a vine to the touch, which has several mouths along its surface wherein Starfire would set her clothes. Needless to say, there is a distinct aura of 'his and her's' in the room, which is just as well because their's was a work relationship built almost entirely on casual sex anyways.

Where's Starfire? She doesn't usually keep so long. Robin thinks, as he slowly pulls on his suit, his body stiff from sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption from the night before. This was a hangover to end all hangovers, so Cyborg would just have to wait. Speaking of which, Robin hadn't heard any consecutive screams after the initial one, so in the back of his hazy mind, there was a shred of worry for his dark-skinned friend.

"I swear to God Beast Boy, if you did something..." He grumbles as he finally pulls up the suit's zipper and dons the famous mask, then stumbles out the door.


End file.
